Friday night, my dear hubby and I had a great date, in which we had the opportunity to have a leisurely dinner at a local favorite restaurant followed by a one-hour discussion that was not rushed due to the need to get back to someone who was babysitting our kids. This is a new feeling for us. We didn't have any agenda or topics lined up to discuss, so we decided to talk about our personal goals and dreams, short and long term.
We were not always able to do this without criticism. But we tried. We tried to listen to each other without judging and to listen effectively because these were outpourings of inner sentiments.
I found it difficult to keep my mouth shut when listening to his dreams. I wanted to help him realize how he could make them a reality, when the essence of my listening should've been to truly hear what he was saying, because he needed me to hear it, and because I needed to know him more deeply.
Listening is not a selfish work. But good listening is work and takes practice. Listening should be selfLESS...I should listen so that I get to know the other person better and so that the other person feels comfortable to share things with me. I need to listen well because he needs me to listen to him. I need to listen well because that is how it should be and not so that he'll listen to me, but I do need to be listened to too. I want to be that kind of listener. Not a selfish listener. I need to work on myself NOT interrupting. I have a very bad habit of that, and if I've ever interrupted you, please forgive me, it is a character flaw from my youth that I am working on to this day. Pray for me as I work on this cross of mine.
Back to the goals and dreams...it has been a long time since we've shared these types of things with each other. So many times we are consumed with talking about the ministries we're involved with, or our vocation as parents, or our children and their activities, personalities, clashes, behaviors, etc., that we lose sight of how we need to nurture the intimacy between US. This is where we have created a divide of sorts and have fostered some of that "roommate" or "married singles" mentality in our household and marriage. By getting so caught up in the day-to-day, the details, we lost track of taking care of each other's souls, which is what we agreed to do when we got married nearly 13 years ago.
I believe sometimes that we got off on the wrong foot. We were immature and naive and starry-eyed and, I believe (at least for me), wore rose-colored glasses...I didn't want to admit that there was an ugly side to anything, especially marriage. I wanted to believe that I would get to spend a ton of time with my husband and that he would relish the opportunity to grow in closeness with me and that we would have this astounding unity that was inspiring to others. How selfish and conceited I was! I can see that now, but I couldn't see it then.
Now, almost a decade and a half later, we're taking steps to foster that unity better. We're taking more time for us. We're paying babysitters. We're working on intimacy, which is not always physical, but is spiritual and emotional. We're making the effort to continue getting to know each other.
Listening to my husband's goals and dreams was eye-opening for me. I learned things about him that I didn't know and that was refreshing. I had the opportunity to listen to him talk about his goals without thinking about what I would say when it was my turn.
I abhor goal-setting because I have always thought, if I set a goal and don't achieve it, then I've failed myself and if I've shared it with others, they know I'm a failure too. I have to stop this negative thinking pattern and Friday night's date was the first step in shirking that yucky attitude. After sharing my goals and dreams with my husband, I walked out of that restaurant feeling lighter, even though we had full tummies from a delicious meal! I shared things with him off-the-cuff, just the first goals and dreams that popped into my head, I blurted out things that I had only said to myself, and for the longest time had only held inside.
Some of my short term goals are to:
First and foremost, deepen my faith and grow closer to God.
Then work on:
1. continue blogging, I enjoy this and it's good for me to journal.
2. continue on my weight loss journey and getting in shape. I'm down several dress sizes and loving it. Have lots more to lose and more changes to see!
3. challenge myself with NaNoWriMo again next month and win.
check out
for more info.
4. work on writing our Retrouvaille talks with hubby.
5. purge clutter and clean house.
6. read more.
7. do more creative things, sew, paint, draw, scrapbook, cross-stitch, etc.
8. continue working on myself and how I can be a better wife, mother, sister, & friend, and community member.
Long term...really to just continue the short-term ones as they will lead to long-term peace for me and help me to be more consistent.
Back to hubby, I want to help him achieve his goals and I want to not get in the way of him doing it himself. I don't want him to feel like he needs to depend on me to accomplish what is on his heart to do for himself. I don't want to be that codependent wife. I believe I have been her though these last few years. I believe I have enabled some negative behavior by being controlling.
On being controlling...it's quite the ambiguous beast in the room as I meet new women and get to know my friends better.
(and I believe a DISCLAIMER of some sort is necessary at this point...KNOW THIS, I am speaking here in generalizations and not about any one person...so NO, I am not referring to ANY of my friends or relatives as being super-controlling...instead, I am stating that we all are to some degree or another, and NO, I am not a doctor or psychologist/therapist, just an observant citizen. Thank you and on with the blog.)
I think that control is something that we all struggle with and some may have a better handle on it than others.
Some may be downright professional at it while others have trouble asserting it. Some don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying that they are uncomfortable with something then, after not asserting themselves, wish they had and feel angry with themselves.
Some bulldoze everyone in their wake with "their way" and have no remorse if someone felt pushed around by their behavior.
Some feel all these ways and don't show it.
Some feel many of these ways and wear different hats with different groups...I think that may be more than some, if not most...and some are only asserting control within their family unit and seem to just go with the flow outside of their home.
Some use their emotions to control others...
Some people say that they're not controlling and it's those that worry me the most because they think that they're not, but by not being controlling they are being passively controlling.
Yet on the flipside, we're told that we're supposed to be assertive women and not be doormats. So we're faced with this ambiguity about being controlling. To control, or not to control, and when to control, and how much, and will we be viewed as a witchy woman for doing so? It is too much.
I'm not even going to address how men are or are not controlling because I'm not a man and can't think like one, but can only make guesses based on what I know, but I believe that the above list could still apply to how men operate with control issues...except now that I think about it...it's probably much more difficult for men when it comes to control. Simply because of what the world tells us and the examples of control that are out there for men. No one wants a wimpy guy. Take David Schwimmer's character on "Friends" for example, wimpy and whiny Ross. He controlled everyone on that show with his Eeyore type behavior, emotional outbursts, and dysfunctional relationship with Rachel, and that was still controlling. There are far more examples of other characters that are the polar opposite of Ross and use control to exploit others and make others feel bad. It is hard for women AND for men.
It is often difficult for me to put a finger on which one way a person uses control to manipulate others. But because of many things that have happened in my past, I am acutely aware of this controlling nature of people. I judge that it's a protective mechanism in me that I have to constantly monitor. It's as if I have this invisible gauge for each person that registers the rpm's of control. I don't know if this falls under that umbrella of intuition or not, but it has only developed in the last 10 years for me. My meter is, however, especially sensitive if I'm around someone that I've been told is controlling. I have grown in awareness of this control issue in my life because while I was growing up I was completely unaware of how I was allowing myself to be controlled by others. Now in my mid-30's, I feel as though I'm more comfortable setting boundaries with others. But in my youth, adolescence, teenage years, & twenties, it was not that way. I had very few boundaries and prided myself on being open. I also had no respect for others' boundaries and most likely tap-danced and cartwheeled all over them. This is probably why I had very few close friends. If I did that to your boundaries, I am very sorry. Please forgive me.
It takes just a second to hurt someone's feelings. Please know that I'm really just doing a bit of stream-of-consciousness writing here about control. I'm not pointing my fingers at anyone. Especially YOU. In fact, when we point one finger, aren't there three pointing back at us? I am certain that the times when I attmept to control things, it is because I have seen how successful others have been at controlling me, and I want to see if I can work that way. I generally cannot operate successfully. Who wants to be controlled? I am pretty sure I fall in the middle, sometimes control-freak, other times I go with the flow. Sometimes I have a problem with authority...but that's for another blog.
You know, I was recently made aware of a saying... in every group there is a person that requires Extra Grace...and if you can't find that person in your group, then that person is YOU. I'm fairly certain I am/was the person, 9 times out of 10.
I don't want to control my hubby's dreams and goals, I wouldn't want him to do that to me. I hope on our next great date that we are able to discuss goals and dreams that are specific to our marriage and share deeply on that. I enjoyed this special time with my hubby. I look forward to learning more about him and watching our goals and dreams come to fruition.
I feel called to leave you with a scripture verse that is also the signature for my emails, "Consider it all joy" James 1:2. I love this verse so much because it is such a challenge for me. While I am generally an optimistic person, when hardships come my way, I am usually looking at them from the negative side first, then later, after they have been dealt with or fade away, I am reminded that I should've found the joy in them. Sometimes I'm able to say something like "well, at least it's not like ____________" (fill in the blank with something worse than what I have to deal with at the time) which is when I think "hey, I'm finding the joy in it by being thankful that it's not worse!"...but really, I think now that it's just glossing over the challenge and not really picking up that cross that I've been handed and really truly finding the JOY in it. The rest of "Consider it all joy..." is "when you encounter various trials because these tests help build perseverance." This is so true in our lives and should not be ignored. We weren't meant to just coast through life, but to find joy in the hardships, which is counter-cultural (against what the world wants us to believe)! So we should find JOY in the trials. Joy in the hardships. Joy in the pain. Joy in the pain? I challenge you to ponder that.
I believe that what St. James is telling us in this Scripture is that by finding the joy in the trials, hardships, and pain, that the perseverance it produces in us will help us to get through even more hardships that may come our way. None of us are immune to hardships and it seems that as we get older, we encounter more and more of them. I had a dear friend tell me recently not to waste the hardship I was enduring, but to offer it up as often as I could. This helped me to persevere through my pain. Even though I have "Consider it all joy" as my email signature, I still needed an outside reminder to help me to remember what I was telling others applied to me too. I will probably talk about this more. This Scripture is dear to me and has so many layers for my life story...
Peace to you this glorious day!
He is such a cutie! I just love him to bits!
